


Subject: Help With An Unusual Customer

by TheLordOfLaMancha



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Gen, POV Outsider, a response to another fic, this is more, which is about Gabriel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28506576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLordOfLaMancha/pseuds/TheLordOfLaMancha
Summary: This is a response to Atalan's crack fic "Wash Your Mouth Out." I recommend reading that fic before you read this one to not spoil the plot.These are the back and forth emails from the store to corporate regarding Gabriel's recent behaviour while shopping.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31
Collections: Team Chaotic Water Voiceteam Mystery Box Collection, Voiceteam Mystery Box 2020





	Subject: Help With An Unusual Customer

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Wash Your Mouth Out](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27418354) by [Atalan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atalan/pseuds/Atalan). 
  * Inspired by [[Podfic] Wash Your Mouth Out](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435892) by [Djapchan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Djapchan/pseuds/Djapchan). 



> Seriously, if you haven't read Atalan's exceedingly clever and hilarious [_Wash Your Mouth Out_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27418354) then you absolutely need to read it first. Otherwise this fic will spoil the twist.
> 
> If you prefer podfic, Djapchan does [an absolutely wonderful read of it here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435892).
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not work, speak for, or claim to represent the business featured in this fic. This fic is not meant to speak to their business practices. It is simply meant as crack fic and parody.

To: storefronthelp@lush.co.uk

From: lushlondon_oxfordstreet@lush.co.uk

Subject: Help With An Unusual Customer

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Eric, and I am the manager of London – Oxford, #717. I pride myself on running a good storefront and prioritizing great customer satisfaction.

However, we have recently had a regular customer cause my staff some distress.

The customer has expressed, multiple times, that he enjoys _eating_ the product. The staff, and myself, are highly concerned for the safety of this customer and the legal ramifications to the company should this customer become unwell.

Please advise.

Regards,

Eric

LUSH Operations Manager

London-Oxford

#717

* * *

To: lushlondon_oxfordstreet@lush.co.uk

From: s.elizabeth@lush.co.uk

Subject: RE: Help With An Unusual Customer

Dear Eric,

We are glad to have your storefront as part of the LUSH family and want to thank you for your care and dedication to the team.

We encourage you and your staff to express to this customer, should they return, that our products are not for consumption. You may wish to perform additional in-store demonstrations in hopes of engaging with the customer in this regard.

Please note, we will be including this feedback to your wonderful question in this month’s Team Email Blast.

Thanks for your feedback!

Elizabeth

Customer Experience Specialist

LUSH Cosmetics

* * *

To: s.elizabeth@lush.co.uk

From: lushlondon_oxfordstreet@lush.co.uk

Subject: RE: Help With An Unusual Customer

Hello Elizabeth,

The customer in question, on whom we had been previously speaking, has returned and introduced himself as Gabriel.

On his last visit, we did make note to emphasize the correct usage of product through explanation and demonstration. However, it seems that my staff are unable to get through to the customer.

Apparently, the customer insists he is fine because he doesn’t have, and I quote, “Normal human physiology,” and nor does he “sully the temple of his body with gross matter.”

Also, I have now had one team member quit on the spot in response to this customer’s additional demands:

  * All purchases are to be placed only in 4x4 bath bomb crates and never in bags
  * Staff are to personally assist the customer through the entire selection process
  * Staff are only to handle product with tongs and never with their hands



This, in addition to the repeated questions about flavour and texture, have caused undo stress to my staff.

Please advise how we should deal with this customer.

Regards,

Eric

LUSH Operations Manager

London-Oxford

#717

* * *

To: lushlondon_oxfordstreet@lush.co.uk

From: s.elizabeth@lush.co.uk

Subject: RE: Help With An Unusual Customer

Dear Eric,

Thank you for your confidence in reaching out to our team.

While customer requests or comments may be unusual, it is our job to assist customers to our best ability to fulfill their needs.

As long as important points have been emphasized, it is entirely up to the customer how he chooses to use our products in the comfort of his home.

LUSH stands by our workplace harassment policies. However, unusual requests are not a foundation for harassment, and we must in turn treat every customer with patience and understanding.

During these uncertain times, it is reasonable to expect that customers may have concerns about sanitation. For this reason, we prefer that customers interact with product they are purchasing, rather than staff. But in cases where this cannot be achieved, the customer’s concerns about handling are not unfounded.

I would also like to remind yourself and your team of the workplace guidelines in which we outline that all customers should receive one on one assistance whenever possible. I have attached a copy of these policies for your reference.

I am also sorry to hear that you have lost a member of your staff. Please also find attached some resource documents to assist with the hiring process.

All the best,

Elizabeth

Customer Experience Specialist

LUSH Cosmetics

Attachments:

LUSH_workplaceguidelines.pdf

hiringresources.pdf

* * *

To: s.elizabeth@lush.co.uk

From: lushlondon_oxfordstreet@lush.co.uk

Subject: RE: Help With An Unusual Customer

Hello Elizabeth,

Our experience with this particular customer has been an ongoing issue.

In order to stop losing staff, I have taken on personally serving this customer exclusively.

He has escalated his requests, and now wishes to consume our products in store. In following with your advisement regarding unusual requests, we have procured a table, chair, cloth and tableware as per his _unique_ specifications. These have had to be purchased with reserve funds as there is no budget allocation for these items at this time.

I would not bother you again, except for that this recent behaviour from this customer and his unusual request is now impacting our business with other customers. We believe this customer is personally decreasing our sales intake as he deters other customers from making purchases when he consumes product in store.

Please advise. I am considering quitting myself at this point. This is ridiculous.

Regards,

Eric

LUSH Operations Manager

London-Oxford

#717

* * *

To: lushlondon_oxfordstreet@lush.co.uk

From: s.elizabeth@lush.co.uk

Subject: RE: Help With An Unusual Customer

Dear Eric,

We will be transferring your location additional funds to help cover the cost of these unique items. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

At this time, we ask that you cease serving the customer in store in this way.

I have escalated your question to a higher level for additional advisement. You should hear from them soon.

It has been a pleasure working with you these last months.

All the best,

Elizabeth

Customer Experience Specialist

LUSH Cosmetics

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't already, please consider leaving kudos and comments on Atalan's original work. And also on Djapchan's podfic! Podfic doesn't get enough love!
> 
> This was written for Voiceteam Mystery Box 2020's challenge, Bring Your Work to Fandom. My work skill is apparently writing exceedingly professional emails.
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed this ridiculousness.


End file.
